I’ve lost count of the times a couple have brought their recent argument to therapy stating that it was ‘over nothing’. The inflammatory escalation is almost always caused by each person not hearing the other and this is easily remedied.
We’ve all been there. One minute you’re having a discussion about curtains and the next thing you know you’re packing a bag. So what’s going on?
The first thing to watch out for is this: If you’re waiting to make your point while you’re listening to your partner, rather than hearing them with the goal of understanding them, then it’s likely to deteriorate rapidly. Your partner will not feel heard or understood and they will then try harder to be heard and understood. In doing so, they aren’t hearing or understanding you, so you increase your attempts to be heard. The methods used by both to be understood can include more severe language (you always, you never) increased volume so as to be ‘heard’, fury and or exasperation at being misunderstood and a decrease in any desire to try and listen to the other. That’s only going one way.
My advice? Your point does not matter. It doesn’t! It isn’t in the best interests of the relationship to be right. You’re probably both right. The relationship requires mutual respect, empathy, compassion. If you prioritise your connection to each other then you need to be able to spot these escalations and step down from your position. Temporarily at least.
If the goal is to be heard and understood, you will achieve this by hearing and understanding each other. You won’t achieve it by attempting to force your point onto your partner. You want to be understood? Afford them the same courtesy.
Sometimes it is not this simple of course. Other patterns, dynamics and relationship issues can be active under the surface and that is when therapy is important.
In the meantime, don’t get into the angry tennis match. It’s totally pointless.