Recognising that relationships evolve is often a core piece of understanding for many of the couples I work with. Relationships change over time and as with most changes, there is something lost and something gained.
The heady infatuation of the limerence or idealisation stage of a relationship, when they’re all you can think about and you can’t bear to be apart, is an important phase of bonding but rarely sustainable. Over time this develops into a deeper connection, a shared history, an intimate knowledge of each other and a sense of safety in the relational unit. Chemistry becomes companionship, idealisation becomes regard, some excitement is lost and in its place grows the future culture of the relationship. Shared dreams. Supported aspirations. Drawing on the new secure base of the relationship to gain fulfilment.
Some relationships are driven to evolve sooner than this natural cycle when life events force couples to need more, or different things from each other. A sudden life change, bereavement, diagnosis, betrayal for example. Couples can find themselves questioning the strength of the relationship when it is tested too soon. Communication issues can cause wounds, human flaws appear magnified and the once solid secure partner can seem distant and rejecting. Wounds can deepen and resentment can build. This is a good time to use couple’s therapy because often the issues are getting lost in translation.
Attending therapy sessions during the transitions in your relationship will help you navigate healthily to the next stage together, letting go of what is lost and cultivating your new future together. Clear communication is needed during these transitions and a good therapist will facilitate that with you, helping the relationship avoid the common pitfalls that can happen when communication breaks down.