I met my younger self for coffee, we were both early of course. I order a decaf latte with oat milk and she looks up at me from over her builders tea with disdain, as if I’ve bailed out on our working class roots. I won’t tell her why I need to take care of my body in new ways now, she really doesn’t need that fear on top of how much she’s already carrying.
I admire her curls and tell her she’ll come to love them in future, that there’s been great advances in both hair straighteners and products for curly hair since then and we laugh at the hairstyling mishap stories from years gone by.
She continues with the self-deprecating humour and I find I can’t laugh along with it like I used to. You’re putting yourself down too much I tell her and she doesn’t seem to get it.
She’s worried and curious about the future so I do my best to give her advice and reassurance. You will find happiness but from acceptance rather than anything anyone can give you. You will enjoy success but it will be your own version of it, not the unfulfilled and projected dreams of others or a response to society’s judgement. You will continue to be strong, as much like you currently are as in ways you cannot yet comprehend. You will continue to bring joy to others and it will come to feel rewarding and shared, rather than sacrificial and one sided. And most important of all, you will be loved, but it will be a type of love you can’t imagine today because you do not yet love yourself.
It is moving to see myself through my own eyes with the love, acceptance and compassion I deserve.
I give her a hug and tell her I hope we meet again soon.